Anxiety and Acrostic Poetry

Complex
Overthinking
Marathon of
Practically no
Sleep.

Retrospectively, I'm noticing that today I was actually fairly productive; my documents for my four questions so far are 2185, 1063, 2384, and 961 words. That's not bad. They're not fabulous words - disorganized, and resembling a liminal space between notes and outline rather than outline and draft. But they're there, on the page. I'm going to bed early tonight in the hopes that that will help me write more coherently tomorrow. The struggle to balance elements in these exams is weakening my confidence, letting it rupture, and through its little holes creep those thoughts of "there is no way I can pass" and "what will it be like when they tell me that I've failed?" This is impostor syndrome at its finest, I hope, rather than a reflection of my analytical abilities. I mediated my anxiety today by working at the gigantic table in the local cat rescue where I volunteer. I have a cat at home, so it was the people I was seeking out as much as the animals - there is a sense of community that helps with the isolation of writing, and it is nice to pop out of the theorizing and analysis for a few minutes to discuss more on-the-ground problems such as how much insulin Monty the diabetic cat should be getting, and quickly scribbling out signs to remind other volunteers to put cans of food into the refrigerator. It's prevented me from such destructive behaviours as cleaning the house until my hands go raw, or running so far that I put out a knee - neither of those has ever happened to me, and I'd rather this not be the first time!

One positive realization I've had today is how helpful it is that I've been teaching while doing comps. While it is undeniably added stress, it's also been a venue for me to think about concepts, and see new perspectives and sources. It's paying off, and not just financially.